Diary of a Wimpy Sith
by PinkFluffyUnicorn123
Summary: So, we (my son and I) watched TFA last night in preparation for going to see TLJ today, and we still think Kylo Ren is scary until he takes his mask off, at which point he looks like a bit of a wimp. So here it is, the story of Kylo Ren's school days. (Parody!) Possible spoilers for TLJ from chapter 2 on.


First of all let's get one thing straight. This is not a diary, it's a JOURNAL. I would blame it on MOM, but since I'm not talking to MOM, sorry, I mean GENERAL Organa, any more, I can't. But I'm sure there's someone else I can blame. Like General Hux or Captain Phasma. They're always picking on me, so yes, this is their fault, just like everything else. (SOB!)

I just don't want anyone catching me carrying this around, like SNOKE. He makes fun of me all the time. He'd make fun of me even more if he caught me with a diary… err, I mean JOURNAL.

Anyway, I am NOT going to use this to write about my feelings and things like that. Feelings are really LAME. I'm only writing this so that one day when I'm rich and famous I can publish it and make even more money. That way I won't have to waste time answering people's stupid questions. They'll be like "Kylo, tell us about when you were in charge of Death Star 3 – now even bigger and betterer than Death Stars 1 and 2," or "Kylo, tell us how you killed the last Jedi," and I'll be like "Here, read my diary, now shoo and leave me alone to do important Sith stuff."

But for now I'm stuck in SCHOOL – First Order Middle School, surrounded by complete dorks. And let me tell you, it's no fun. You get runty skinny kids like me, surrounded by big beefy kids who look like STORM TROOPERS. (They're all the same. Anyone would think they clone them.) And the worst of the lot is Captain Phasma. She's like about ten feet tall. And scary. (And for the record I do NOT have a crush on her. She's like the worst thing ever. And a girl. And girls smell.)

At least it's better than Jedi Elementary, where I got sent to kindergarten. The kids there were so horrid to me I had to kill ALL of them. Well, I didn't LITERALLY kill them, because this is a kids' story so killing an entire kindergarten class would be very, very WRONG. But I turned the lunch table upside down – WITH THE FOOD ON IT – and then tipped baked beans all over their heads. That was when Mom and Dad were asked to "make alternative arrangements for my kindergarten provision."

But I still think I was right to tip beans over them. They were all DORKS though, so that's okay. I'd do the same here, but they're bigger than me, and anyway, I may need them as soldiers when I put my plan to TAKE OVER THE GALAXY into action.

And on top of all that I'm in big trouble. Detention every day this week. I mean, it's not like I did something BAD or anything. Well, not that BAD. Well, okay, it was a bit bad but totally JUSTIFIED. It happened just after parents' evening when all my teachers told MOM and DAD I had a bad attitude, and couldn't control my impulses properly, and sometimes lost my temper and trashed classrooms for no reason. After that I maybe fell out with MOM and DAD a bit. DAD was really cross with me, and yelled at me lots, which made me mad. So on the way home I shoved him off the bridge over the river gorge. It took his friend Mr. Wookie half an hour to fish him out. Mom shouted LOADS and said I COULD HAVE KILLED HIM. Would serve him right, that's what I say.

Anyway next week we have this stupid soccer match against our big rival school, ALLIANCE ACADEMY. They're all DORKS there too, even bigger DORKS than the DORKS at my school. Last year it was really rubbish. It rained lots. Then once I was wet through and really fed up and miserable, I got into a fight with a couple of the kids from there. One was called Finn. I like totally beat him into a pulp. But then his best friend Rey hit me. I HATE Rey. She's a girl and she smells too. And she's so lame she has a friend called Poe. I mean, WHAT KIND OF A NAME IS POE? Who calls their kid after a TOILET?

This year I'm going to get even. I made some EXPLOSIVES in chemistry class while the teacher wasn't looking. She was busy trying to put out a fire that Snoke had started in the trash can at the front of the class. So now I've got a load of TNT and I'm going to pack it inside the soccer ball, then when the match gets going, I'm going to BLOW the whole thing sky-high.

Tomorrow Alliance Academy. The day after, THE GALAXY...

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 _First off - this is jointly written with my son (hence brand new account). Please be nice because he is quite young and will be upset if we get trashed. So use the rule your granny taught you... if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Thanks!  
_

 _Inspired by re-watching TFA last night in prep for going to see TLJ_ tomorrow. _We both thought (right from first seeing it) that Kylo Ren was a fantastic bad guy until he took his mask off, at which point he was revealed to be weedy and wet._

 _Sorry about the Poe joke - "po" is old-fashioned UK school slang for toilet, as in the immortal school ditty: "Ivanhoe/ sat on the po/doing a wee/ for us to see."_


End file.
